An Open Letter to My Sister Who is Being Hurt

Dear Sister of Mine,

First of all, I see you. And I ache for you. With You. You are being mistreated. And you may be silent about it.  Maybe you haven’t even told one soul about this yet. You may have not even told yourself. I get it. It’s easy to rationalize away when he says those things that just cut, or when he’s had a bad day, a terrible week, or a rotten childhood. You can tell that I get it. You know that I hear you.

I want you to know a few things, though.

I want you to know that you are STRONG. Stronger than you have any idea. You know you are strong because look at all you have survived! But I’m talking about a whole other dimension of strength. The kind that will raise you UP. And OUT. Whatever “out” looks like. And I want you to know that the enemy, the force that is keeping you in this prison, has SEVERELY underestimated you.

I know that he is hurting. I know that someone didn’t treat him right and it makes sense why he acts the way he does. Or maybe it doesn’t make any sense at all. I mean, how could he treat YOU like that after he KNOWS how terrible it feels?

The thing is that he doesn’t know any other way. And that’s his path. It’s a rough road for him to figure this out but he must do it. And this is the only way he knows to feel safe. Or at least the fake safe that he thinks he’s chasing, which is really just a sorry attempt to control anything, something, everything around him.

Control looks like so many different forms. It can be an attempt to keep the noise volume at a comfortable level. A restriction on the finances. A routine check on where you’re going and with whom. It can look nothing like control at all, but yet still FEEL like it.

And just because he has all the reasons in the world to act the way he does, does not mean that YOU need to receive it. It does not mean you need to tolerate it. And it is OK for you to hurt for him, to have compassion, and still have boundaries. No matter what he says. Oh, he will wail and moan and throw a tantrum in the best, most convincing way he knows once you start to switch the rules up on him. Because you see, my dear sister, you have knowingly been playing a game. It’s his game. And he gets to call the shots. Sometimes he doesn’t even know what the shots are that he’s calling. It feels more like throwing spaghetti against the wall to see what sticks. It’s random, chaotic and quite frankly, a little insane.

Now, if he has been violent with you in the past, there is a good chance that you changing the rules could make things very dangerous for you. Be smart and keep yourself safe. Please. And you will need professional help, and a lot of it. Even if he hasn’t been violent, please get professional help. Please.

It has been a long, steady road to where you’re at and the good news is that there are so many that want you safe and happy and are ready, waiting and even SEARCHING for YOU to help YOU. But you must be brave my dear. You must. There are so many of us that need you and you cannot show up as all of you while managing him and his emotions.

And sweet, dear one, you have a bit of a problem as well. I want to tell you this with all the love that I possibly can convey from my heart right directly into yours: My dear, you are codependent. And that is OK. It doesn’t not mean you are bad or wrong. It makes sense. I get how you got here. You may have even been mean back sometimes. You may have been a martyr, resentful and angry. You may have made some choices that weigh you down and burden you, keeping you stuck. It is easy to be tempted to feel shame, and yes this is a lot of room for growth, but don’t let these thoughts keep you where you are being hurt. You don’t have to be 100% perfect to deserve safety, or even to be treated right.

There is no need to feel shame any more. You have loved him and wanted the very best out of this and you stayed and stayed and stayed while holding onto relentless hope. And you’ve hoped like few people have the ability to hope.

But this kind of hope, hope is someone that is not willing or currently able to change, it just may kill you. Kill your spirit, your will and possibly even your body. And I do not want any of that for you.

I want you to SHINE.

I want you to have happiness, and freedom.

I want you to BE all that you are made to be.

Not to DO more. But just BE. BE the fabulous, wonderful, beautiful creation that you are here to be. It’s not something to effort, but rather to just sink into. Like a beautiful rest. You will unfold into the most amazing creature you could ever imagine and be your heart’s deepest desire – I know this because that desire is a specific message just for you. And it’s like a beacon that has been calling you.

I also know this because I was there. Where you are. And I am no longer. I am writing this on the two year anniversary of being free. Being out. And the road has been long, intense and hard. But so, so worth it. The worst MONTH on this road is better than the best day in the prison from whence I came. And I want the same for you.

I hope that my letter to you, dear sister, has given you some hope, clarity and courage. Please know you’re not alone. Please pray for a friend, a guide, someone to have strength and courage even if you cannot. And please please know that you are meant for JOY. And the God that created you does not want you to tolerate being abused for one second.

What did you think of this post? Agree? Have more to add?

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One Response to “An Open Letter to My Sister Who is Being Hurt

  • I love this. It’s beautiful, and necessary, and I truly hope someone writes the same thing for all our brothers who are experiencing abuse as well. <3

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